27

XXVII by Emily Dickinson

I'm nobody! Who are you?
Are you nobody, too?
Then there's a pair of us- don't tell!
They'd banish us, you know.

How dreary to be somebody!
How public, like a frog.
To tell your name the livelong day
To an admiring bog!

Reminders, Saturday Night Cincinnati

taking it so seriously

swaying drunkenly

arms across shoulders

a pantomime of fun

like an early nineties

teen angst drama

everyone waiting

for Jordan Catalano

singing the words of a song

written by a junk man

everyone waiting

for this guy to die

so they can touch a bit

of the local papers

that will soon be tossed away

stacking up shards of identity

song lyrics

clothing scraps

carefully scripted photographs

building up a toppling tower

of digital nothing

some of us still get up

and go to work in the morning

scrape thick frost

off the windshield

and trudge along

while they still sneak

into mama's purse

steal a twenty

old enough to know better

the last love interest

was an empty hole

filled with pills

pizza

pop

smoke

sugar

and sometimes booze

covered with a thick layer of jokes

like jungle leaves over a trap

I was an empty hole

sucking in whatever was around

but then realized

there is no end to this sucking

and stopped cold

now I try to fill

the dark space with light

and warmth

and sound

so far it's working

even in the dead of winter

we wear the mask

Paul Laurence Dunbar (1872-1906)

We Wear the Mask

WE wear the mask that grins and lies,
It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes,—
This debt we pay to human guile;
With torn and bleeding hearts we smile,
And mouth with myriad subtleties.

Why should the world be over-wise,
In counting all our tears and sighs?
Nay, let them only see us, while
We wear the mask.

We smile, but, O great Christ, our cries
To thee from tortured souls arise.
We sing, but oh the clay is vile
Beneath our feet, and long the mile;
But let the world dream otherwise,
We wear the mask!

mother of pearl

I am bringing in the lizard screen.

I am trying not to pray.

I swivel, recline, exhale.

I am the cool side of the pillow

on a steamy June night.

I am round and full like the moon.

I am loved by some, not all.

I am retraining my neural pathways.

I am early spring green.

I am an aching vessel.

I am a soft whimper.

A silty deep river

Searching for something.

I am mother of pearl.

I used to have a song written just for me.

I am a frayed bit of rope.

I am a starfish with a regenerating arm.

second chance summer

last night of giddiness

a day at the pool

between ocean and sky

a jet line strikes the air

memories of ninth grade

showing my pale young body

in cold water

kissing under a humid towel

amid the old people

scuffing dead skin from our heels

in front of the t.v.

brother and I

chasing e.s.p. thoughts

to the Whistle Stop

fried green tomatoes

meat

banana pudding

at the gas station the clerk

is pacing like a caged tiger

flipping long Indian locks

impact wrench hiccup

laughing to the brink

of no breath

laughing spreads like wind

they finally notice the family photo,

Conan's face pasted over Andy's

we laugh

and giggle

and squeal

one more pot of coffee

a punctuation mark

to end the holiday

night falls

Night falls

so I take speed and go to the gym.

The room is a mess

a static equilibrium.

Gold hairs jaunt across my forehead

nobody around to see it;

white teeth a shocking shade of clean,

no one around to taste them.

Back in this room

there are white walls

not four, but too many to count

and all this time

I’ve been like the autumn-fat squirrel

preparing for mock-death

saving for nothing.

And this room too small

to hold me this winter.

Finally on the verge of escape

but where to? how do I get there?

First thought-

a dead myth, knight in shining armor,

only keeps girls waiting

locked in salty honey traps.

Second thought-

to drink it off my mind

but that never worked

it only made it worse.

And it’s been such a comfortable life;

my nest has been feathered

my bottom has been patted

robed in luxurious civilization.

Just put in eight hours

with laughing faces

then come back to

wall-to-wall carpet

organic coffee and

fresh vegetables.

But it’s strangely unsatisfying, this life.

Suddenly the “I want” takes over

like a bee sting in the brain.

I want to scale mountains

I want to live in the desert

under a dry infinite sky

I want to stop eating

I want to drive to South America

covered with monster dragonflies

like Jack.

I want to shed this skin.

It’s all so contradictory,

every step unsure

a bear trap lies

just around all corners.

Last thought-

erase the “I want”

soothe the sting

of a million unfilled desires

to recognize the thought,

let it drift away-

a balloon, a train, a bird in flight.

long journey

in a dream I leave this world behind

leave behind my oral fixation

leave behind my sugar addiction

the sense of the mundane

hop on a train to a secret world

where humans are animals again

hair grows long as squid tentacles

everyone wears white

and lights lanterns at dusk

to keep the beasts at bay

I find you at the midway point

in a dim hotel hovel apartment

Illinois or Iowa or Indiana

some forsaken wind swept snow plain

an empty pool, cramped, transitory

we get on the subway without knowing the destination

hair like fishing pole rods held up in the rack

a deer is hit along the way and her mate lags with her

she drags her mangled back legs along

my heart spikes and shoots tears like fire

with a pearl memory from the other world

we make it

to the rough wooden ladders

hidden lanterns and candles stocked for survival

I think I'm pregnant but it doesn't matter

a small ceremony held high up on a ladder

then I put my head on your chest

your heart thumps in my ear

this is the right world

far away from the others

far away from chores bills gym parties work

nobody uses language; we can speak

but it holds no meaning

makes no sense

there's a grocery with pine nuts and oranges

but where did they come from?

nobody knows

nobody cares

and if we want we can take the train back

try to hold the secret like lantern's white flame

but its a long journey